screw up

So I feel like a complete and total screw up. I thought I was doing a great thing, helping out and getting things done quickly, I wasn't cutting corners, I wasn't skimming through, I was doing my job and working fast. I didn't miss anything that would be glaring or obvious, but my client is saying that I let some really glaringly wrong errors through.
It couldn't have been me, there is no way I would have let some of those things through, even if I was drunk (which I most assuredly was not) I wouldn't have let those things through. But their system says it was me and those things got through somehow.
I don't know whether to be angry or cry right now. I seriously backchecked myself when I found out there were problems, and there are some that were approved when I wasn't even logged in to my computer, much less working.
This really sucks.
The past 2 weeks = FAIL

I surrender

I give up
you win
fuck
just leave me alone in my miserable self pity party.
I suck
I'm a terrible bitch and why would anyone want to be around me or talk to me
I'm sorry I'm taking my misery out on the people around me
I'm sorry I can't talk to anyone who will show me empathy or just give me a hug when I need one
you win
now go away and let me be a sad bitch by my self
go somewhere I cant take my pain out on you
you win
I hope you are happy

earth quake

So I was sitting at my desk working on a few of my accounts when the world started shaking. It really was the weirdest thing, I have never felt anything like it before in my life. I for the first time ever, was experiencing an earthquake.
the epicenter was about 35 miles from my house and the magnitude was a 4.9. craziness.
I used to stay with my grandma for a couple of weeks in southern california every summer, and never once did I feel an earth quake. Now, living in utah, I feel one. go figure

silly husband

So my darling husband whom I love more than anything stumbled across an instant message I had written to my best friend venting about a little frustration I have.
Now, if you know me, you know I have a tendency to embellish when I am telling a story or venting about something to either make it obvious that I know I'm being a baby and venting or to make the story funnier/more entertaining. I guess he doesn't know that about me.
What I said about him wasn't kind, I deflated his masculinity by pointing out he isn't so good at household tasks like minor fixings (plumbing and minor repairs fall on my shoulders as a general rule). Heck, I don't know if he isn't good at that stuff even, I only know he never does those things.
I also talked about my not wanting to take the grilling away from him cause thats one of his "masculine things" that I didn't want to take away from him.
In my defense, I was frustrated and feeling in a funk and I vent to my sister in law/best friend so I don't end up in a fight with him over stupid things. It's much easier that way. These things that I vent to her about are not things that are a big deal to me, they are just minor annoyances that when I'm in a funk or life becomes overwhelming, I need to get off my chest and out of my system, NOT things that I actually need changed. Yes, I get frustrated with him when I am working or trying to watch a show and he says something random and expects an answer (he does this frequently, and it's not just once or twice a night it is constantly and he feels neglected if I'm not paying attention to him) yes, I don't like discussing the tv show he is watching in the other room while I am focused on something else. But, is it a big deal? NO. Do I want to stop talking to him? Absolutely not. Does it piss me off sometimes and I need to vent? Yeppers.
Yes, maybe I shouldn't vent where he might "accidentally" stumble across it. Did I hurt his feelings? Seems that way cause he is obviously not happy with me and went to bed early without saying goodnight. Am I sorry I said something that upset him? Sure, I would be a jerk if I didn't. I HATE hurting my husband's feelings, I LOVE HIM. Duh
In my opinion though, reading someone's personal IMs is like going through their texts or listening in on a conversation. It's an invasion of privacy, you may not want to hear what is being said, and the person you are eavesdropping on is guaranteed to get pissed off to find you lurking around the corner. Silly man

TV stand

I have so many things rattling through my brain, but I don't know just want to write about.
I hate when that happens.
Yesterday I was off of work and trying to come up with a project to occupy my time in such a manner that my husband wouldn't be all "what did you do all day, the kitchen is a mess" and still enable me to avoid cleaning said kitchen. I'm not sure exactly why, but I hate cleaning the kitchen, I wish it was just cause I hate my kitchen (which I do) but I have always found a profound lack of joy when it comes to cleaning the kitchen. Love having a clean kitchen mind you, just hate doing the cleaning.
So I decided to rearrange my family room once again. That made me start looking at my furniture. I really want to replace all my furniture and re furnish my entire house. Not in my budget however. Then inspiration struck. I have been staring at this same old beaten up broken down abused entertainment center for the past decade. It looked junky, had parts broken off of it after my kids abused it throughout their toddler and early childhood years, it's been moved more times than I care to think about and plainly put, I simply don't like it.
I chopped off it's head. I found the perfect project for me. I disassembled it, cut about 2 1/2 feet off the top, removed the innards and shelves and moved the top of the unit down. It's about as tall as an average coffee table or modern TV stand now, everything is organized and it looks AWESOME! I <3 my new(ish) TV stand. It's not perfect, I have limited tools and I did it right there in the middle of my family room that was halfway rearranged, but it is SO much better than what I had been staring at.
I'm begining to see a vision for decorating that room too. Baby steps, I know, but it looks like I have some canvas to put some paint to. WOO HOO

ve a little pride and respect

I got mistaken for a lawyer today. I had a legal issue that I had to clear up, nothing big, and as I was walking into the courthouse, one of the Sheriff's Deputies asked me if I was a lawyer. I laughed and said no, and he looked really confused. Then I walked into the courtroom and everyone else in there were scruffy looking (I'm talking DIRTY scruffy), jeans and tennis shoes, or work uniforms.
I wasn't dressed spectacularly, but I definitely believe that there are certain places and times where a professional (read: slacks, unstained blouse and shoes that are not workout gear) attire is appropriate. I think if I were a judge I would have chewed the whole room out for disrespectful behavior. The only people dressed as nice as I was, again, I didn't go out of my way to dress up, slacks, boots, and a decent blouse is all, were the court recorder and the two lawyers huddled in the corner.
I don't care if you are on trial for murder or just paying a ticket, be respectful.
No wonder we have so many criminals.
Bah

fighting with my sister

So the other day on FB, my sister posted this:

It takes someone special to inconvenience themselves for someone else. It takes someone AMAZING to inconvenience themselves for someone they don't know and never will.

To which, I replied:

it shouldn't take someone special, it should only take someone considerate.

Then, some of her friends agreed with me. So she felt the need to qualify her original statement, still disagreeing, stating :
It really shouldn't be special, but how many people who recycle today wouldn't if they had to walk a block out of their way when the trash can was right there? See?

So I asked for clarification:

so your argument is that only special people are considerate?

She said:
Nope. My argument is that inconsiderate people aren't special.

Then Dad got involved:

It really isn't all that hard. Nothing special or amazing about it, just caring for your fellow man.

It's real easy for the co-dependents of the world to inconvenience self for someone else.

You would think that's enough, but it's not it became a big back and forth and finally she said:

Gretta, shut up. You just don't know how special you are. lol You *are* remarkable, because you go out of your way for others without prompting or prodding by a "vengeful god" or "my neighbors will hate me". Just accept that. =P

It *should* be the norm. It isn't. I want to take a minute and appreciate the people who agree it should be the norm. Why can't the awesome people in my life just accept a compliment??? UGH!

Look at Tokyo. People are extremely considerate there. They live as cramped and crowded together as New York, so it's not the city. It's the culture, and the social consequences for rudeness. They're held accountable, and that's why they're polite as a society. But they don't generally go above and beyond. That's the stuff of heroes and legends, like it or not.... See More

Genuinely nice people really are special. Deal with it.

To which I thought "nice try at covering your ass" because I had just called her out saying I wasn't trying to fight with her, I was just sayin'.
So then I had to answer:

which takes us back to my first comment
"it shouldn't take someone special, it should only take someone considerate."
It's a sad state of affairs that in our culture someone has to be extra-ordinary (other than ordinary) to be considerate. To "clean up after yourself" or to "make life a little easier for the next guy" shouldn't be the exception, at home or globally.
I wasn't trying to argue with you Mary, I was commenting on the sad state of the culture of most of our developed nations. Maybe being advanced isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Cause I can't just leave things alone. Ha, I'm a bitch.

She had to spin it and make it sound like a fight just because I can't not have the last word.
I MUST have the last word when it comes to her simply because I'm right and she can't handle it. You would think at our advanced ages that she would have gotten it by now, but nope...

Hrm... I wonder if the problem is me? Why can't I just let things go? If I know I'm right why should I defend my position, ask for clarification, stand up for myself, or even respond? If I see something that I feel is wrong, should I just let it go like so many people around me did when I was a child and couldn't defend myself? Is that the reason I am the way I am? Something to ponder on...

Success!

Smell that? Take a deep wiff. That my friends is the smell of sweet success.
I accomplished an amazing feat today.
Oh yes, that's right. AND I did it all by myself.
I unclogged the kitchen drain today.
Now, I know you are sitting there shaking your head thinking "OK, that's just stupid". Get over it, let me have my little successes where I can get them.
I have been fighting the clogged drain for nearly two weeks. Thought I had it fixed only to put all the pipes back together, reinstall the garbage disposal, and begin to wash dishes only to discover that the clog had retreated but not surrendered. I swear I could hear it chuckle at me as the water started to back up once again. I went through 3 bottles of Drano, a missed appointment with a plumber (blessing in disguise, 'cause I just saved myself about $200), and I bought myself a plumbing snake.
Oh yes, it has been a long two weeks, the kids resorted to raiding our camping supplies for disposable dishes. Have you ever washed the dishes in the bathtub? I don't recommend it.
But today...
Ahhh... Today....
Today I conquered the drain, it only took some muscle, a pipe wrench, almost every inch of a 25' plumbing snake, and more than an hour of my life that I will never again have, but I did it. I conquered the clog all by myself.
I'm going to sit here and bask in my success, remembering the beautiful site of water swirling down the drain, the sweet gurgle of success as each gallon I poured down the sink happily swished it's way down the beautiful clean and clear pipes.
Ahhhhh.....

self improvement

OK, so as I sat down to the computer today, I was thinking that I need a new self improvement plan. Now, I recognize that this is probably inspired by the constant TLC and HGTV that I watch during the day (better than a soap opera for background noise wouldn't you say?).
Here's my dilemma , there are so many different ways that I could think of to "improve" myself. I put that in quotes because I don't really think there is anything WRONG with me, I think maybe I could use some tweaking in certain areas though and tweaking myself doesn't sound quite right in this context.
Here is a list of options that I thought of earlier (OK that's a lie, I'm thinking these up as I type them):
1. Lose weight
Do I really need to lose weight? I'm 5'2" and I weigh (um, let me find my scale, hang on a sec.....) 134.6 lbs. My BMI is at 24.6 which (yes, I had to look it up) means that I am still a healthy weight but only .4 of whatever units they guage by away from being considered overweight. ICK! I was just playing around on the BMI site I was using (yes, I do think I'm a little ADD thank you very much) and I would have to get clear down to 101lbs before I am considered underweight EWWWW! But anyway, so I guess yeah, I could afford to lose a few lbs, so this one is in the running.
2. Dress better
Do I need to dress better? Ummm, probably. See my problem is that I'm cheap and my financial priorities are wack. Seriously. I would rather spend my money going to the movies with a giant tub of popcorn and a 1500oz bucket of pepsi than spend the money on a new shirt that I won't like as soon as I get it home anyway. Bah. Do I like having new clothes? YES YES YES. quite the conundrum isn't it? Dang it. This one is in the running too.
3. Decorate my house
Yes, this needs done, I think I have to ability and creativity to do this as well. Drawbacks... Financial issues (see above excuses), lack of tools (my husband has a few tools, but I like to do things like build my own tables, and I simply don't have the tools to do those big projects), and lack of freedom to do what I want because I'm a renter so I'm stuck with white walls and green carpets, pink laminate counter tops from the 60s (seriously, we are talking baby pink with gold speckles throughout, makes me want to wear a ruffly apron and a beehive hairdo when I'm washing the dishes) with black and white checkered tiles on the floor of my kitchen. This one will probably go on the back burner, but I dunno, I would like some new furniture...
4. Become a better cook
ehhh I'm not a bad cook, but I'm not an adventurous one. I don't even have the excuse of having a finicky eater in the house anymore, because my son has started trying new dishes and has realized he likes more stuff. My husband will eat anything I put in front of him (even if he isn't hungry) and my girls are learning how to cook (beyond pancakes and tuna casserole) so they like trying new things.

Anyway those are the four that came to me this morning. Anonymous reader, if there is even one out there at this point, I'll let you know what I decide to do soon.

P.S. I walked the dogs yesterday and it was GORGEOUS outside. Loved it!

Boredom

I'm bored.
ennui has set in.

My husband came home from his 3 day weekend at a softball tournament last night. He seemed energized. Dang. I need to find something to kick start me.

I think my problem is a combination of too much stimulus daily mixed with a severe lack of physical activity. I really need it to get warm outside so I can start spending some time in the sunlight, walking the dogs, gardening, even just reading a book...

The weather report says is is supposed to be warm (relatively) today, but the snow in the yard makes it difficult to accept. maybe I'll bundle up and eat my lunch on the porch where the sun shines today.

Heck, if it's actually warm, I'll even take the dogs for a walk after work today.

Wish me luck...I'm starting to feel energized just thinking about it

fluttering flopped

I dunno, maybe I'm not the blogging type. I'm going to try to get into the habit now though. I'm constantly online anyway. I got a job that enables me to work from home. Woot! The only downside to that is, I'm always home. Always.
Unless I leave to go to the grocery store or take one of the kids to a doctors appointment, I don't leave the house. I'm a hermit. Thankfully the weather is warming up and I'm excited to start walking the dogs either before or after work. I want to get back into shape so bad, but I'm in a rut. I'm on the verge of asking my husband to take the TV remotes to work with him but I'm afraid he actually would. hahaha

Here we go again, jumping in where I left off.

So I'm in the middle of week two of having the house spotless (not including bedrooms) when the husband gets home from work. I'm pretty impressed with myself. This is the first time since I've been on my own that I was able to do this. Crazy, but it makes the rest of the evening so much more pleasant. Hubby really expresses appreciation for a clean house. i even had time to make rice krispy treats with my girls while my son was at a town hall meeting (for a scouting merit badge). I almost feel organized.
I'm begining to feel like soon I will be able to declutter my bedroom. once that is done, maybe I'll be able to decorate it too. no more looking like a single mom who has no more money for herself.
Now I just need a job to help me finance all this wonderful decorating I want to do. Anyone out there know of a fabulous job with great benefits and pay that I can have? I promise that noone would regret hiring me. I ROCK